Got another doubleheader on Boosting the Signal today, folks–and specifically, a Carina doubleheader! Our first post is for Amylynn Bright’s new romantic comedy release, Cooking Up Love. And I think it’s safe to say that her heroine Holly has a very sensible goal: i.e., not wanting her kitchen to EXPLODE. Well, that, and she’s a food critic, so you’d think she should know something about food, right? Speaking as someone who is just barely able to boil water without burning it, though, I would just like to note categorically and for the record that to date, I have not actually set any kitchen appliances on fire.
(We won’t talk about how my wife has banished me from the kitchen.)
Cooking Up Love
A copy of the homeowners insurance claim form Holly Darcy filed after the incident.
Date and Time of Occurrence: Yesterday at dinner time
Location of Occurrence: The general kitchen area in my condo
Type of Occurrence: Small, alright medium, kitchen fire. (I’ve had bigger if that matters)
Property Damaged: Self-cleaning Freestanding Electric Stainless-Steel Convection Range – 4 months old. (Was this purchase overly optimistic? Probably.)
Describe the Occurrence: Boy, I’m tired of filling out these forms. Too bad I can’t just copy the last claim, huh? Well, this time I’d already taken off my work clothes and was in my pajamas. That’s what really started the problem. I should have stopped for take-out. There was no way I was going to eat pizza again and the guy at the Chinese place already calls me honey, I’m in there so often. Still, I know better. I have no idea what got into me. Some sort of inflated sense of accomplishment since I’d had a really great day at work, I guess. I thought I could handle a Lean Cuisine. I mean how hard is that? The directions on the box seem deceptively easy. I thought I’d brave the oven instead of the microwave—mostly because I hadn’t cleaned out the microwave since that mac & cheese explosion from Tuesday. I can’t honestly tell you what happened from there. Is it possible my oven is possessed? It seems crazy I know, but perhaps an exorcism is in order. Maybe the meal is supposed to come out of the box before you put it in the oven? Anyway, I may have forgotten to check on it like the box said. I do know for sure I never stirred it as per the directions. The next thing you know that damn fire alarm is going off and the kitchen is filled with smoke again. The regular fire department guys came in the big truck. I have no idea why they always send the big truck. It’s a small kitchen. Anyway, Captain Gary said the oven was a total loss. This is the second one this year. I don’t know if I should bother to replace it, but leaving a hole in the kitchen is admitting defeat, isn’t it? Jeez, all I wanted was some dinner.
Suggested Course of Action: I’m certain that you’re as tired of receiving my claim requests as I am of writing them. I have enrolled in a cooking class for beginners and I’m very optimistic. Cross your crossables.
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